Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Who cares if Michael Phelps sucks down bong hits? Really.

I've always found Michael Phelps totally dorky. But when I saw the notorious pic of his lips smushed into the top of that bong, I actually had more respect for him than previously. "Gee maybe he's not such a big doofus after all," was pretty much what my thought bubble said as I mentally criticized the backwards-baseball-hat-a-la-frat-boy. Anyhow, he's twenty-three years old! Who doesn't toke up at a college party when they're twenty-three?

Here to back up dolphin-boy and to validate that he is not the scum-sucking, child-disappointing criminal drug addict that the media is making him out to be, let's keep things in perspective by highlighting some of our more beloved tokers.

Willie Nelson. The guy is seventy-five years old, tours 200 days a year and he smokes every single day. Enough said.

Academy Award winner/High Times cover girl (05/03) Frances McDormand. Go Marge Gunderson!

Big brain Carl Sagan. "I am convinced that . . . the devastating insights achieved when high are real insights; the main problem is putting these insights in a form acceptable to the quite different self that we are when we're down the next day." Now that's really contemplating the cosmos.

Bigger brain and 1965 Nobel Prize winning physicist Richard Feynman, who figured out the whole quantum electrodynamics thing. He started smoking in his fifties when hanging out with fellow smarty pants scientist John Lilly. His Harvard colleague Lester Grinspoon writes, "Feynman, by courageously acknowledging his ongoing use of marijuana, won the respect and appreciation of many and the enmity of others."

Bill Maher, one of television's brightest, big-picture thinking talk show hosts. He has the best lines.
  • “I’m getting tired of being treated like a criminal or a second class citizen by people who, through their preference for liquor or pills for mood alteration, show not a superiority of taste but an inferiority.”
  • "The Partnership For a Drug-Free America really isn't for a drug-free America. It's a lobbying arm for the liquor and prescription drug industries."
  • "The most interesting place you can ever travel is inside your own head. And if you've never even tried any drugs, then you're always staying home."

Jon Stewart.
Probably the most brilliant mind straddling the pop culture/political divide. Who can forget his righteous roles in films like Half Baked and Death to Smoochy? I bet he wishes he could.

Bill Murray
was arrested in 1970 trying to smuggle 9 pounds of herb through customs at Chicago O'Hare Airport. Whoops.

Pierce Brosnan had his picture taken at Malibu head shop Dementia as he purchased a $1000 bong in 2003. Star published the photos. That's a seriously pricey piece of equipment, Bond.

Matt Stone, co-creator of South Park. Supposedly Towelie came to him during one of his high times.

Emmy winner, Oscar nominee and cannibus activist Woody Harrelson, and stoner bro, the perpetually shirtless Matthew McConaughney, who was busted in 1999 for possession in Austin. While playing the bongos. Naked. Read the hilarious police detail here.

Seth Rogan and James Franco, whose Pineapple Express was the best pot-smoking movie to come along since the Cheech and Chong days. Was this a real joint they sparked up at the MTV Move Awards last year? Who knows. My Magic 8-Ball says

Jack Black! Sugar Buds!

Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz. Here are the party girls enjoying some Hawaiian da kine bud. The website even had Big Brotherish closeups of the roach.

Grammy winner Justin Timberlake was stoned when Aston Kutcher Punk'd him back in the day. When asked if he were high by Entertainment Weekly, he said, "Incredibly. Yeah, that was a trippy experience. That was why I was completely glassy-eyed." And Justin supposedly has gotten baked with his mom. His mom?!

Snoop Dogg and MILF Weed afficianado. This Weeds special guest appearance is so great.

Other dabblers in the greenery include:

Dan Aykroyd
Candy Barr
John Belushi
Lewis Black
Michael Bloomberg
Paul Bowles
Bill Bradley
Richard Branson
Pierce Brosnan
Christopher Buckley
Lord Buckley
William F. Buckley
Bush Family
Aaron Carter
Jack Carter
Fidel Castro
Neal Cassady
Bing Crosby
David Crosby
Macaulay Culkin
Matt Damon
Rodney Dangerfield
Bob Denver
John Denver
Alexandre Dumas
Melissa Etheridge
Walker Evans
Richard Feynman
Ford family
Errol Flynn
Morgan Freeman
Art Garfunkel
Ringo Garza
Will Geer
Gilberto Gil
Newt Gingrich
Alan Ginsberg
Jackie Gleason
Larry Hagman
Gary Hall
Woody Harrelson
Ed Harris
John Hay
Daryl Hannah
Paris Hilton
David Hockney
Whitney Houston
Victor Hugo
Chrissie Hynde
Jefferson Airplane
John F. Kennedy
John Kerry Queen Latifah
Heath Ledger
Phil Lesh
John Lennon
Lindsay Lohan
Jack London
Courtney Love
Norman Mailer
Bob Marley
Groucho Marx
Matthew McConaughey
Margaret Mead
Mezz Mezzrow
Paul McCartney
Frances McDormand
George Michael
John Stuart Mill
Robert Mitchum
Randy Moss
Willie Nelson
Jack Nicholson
Peggy Noonan
M. Scott Peck
Pablo Picasso
Popeye the Sailorman
Francois Rabelais
Ross Rebagliati
Arthur Rimbaud
Diego Rivera
Carl Sagan
Susan Sarandon
Arnold Schwarzenegger
William Shakespeare
Donna Shalala
Sarah Silverman
Robert Smith
Aaron Sorkin
Oliver Stone
Charlize Theron
Margaret Trudeau
Pierre Elliot Trudeau
John Trudell
Ted Turner
Oliver Twist
Queen Victoria
Pancho Villa
Prince Harry
Ricky Williams
William Butler Yeats

and Michael Phelps.

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