Sunday, January 25, 2009

The Amherst Police Report

It's that time again. My sister Debby is visiting from Amherst (MA) and brought my favorite reading material along with her -- the Amherst Bulletin's Police Report. These gems are from the January 23rd edition.


Vroom vroom.
A vehicle went off Bay Road into a snowbank, police said. The vehicle was able to leave under its own power, police said.

Accident adjustment
6:27 p.m. One driver said she would check with her chiropractor following a minor two-car accident on College Street, police said.


How ya doin'? Need some more Snausages? Is that hay in your doghouse soft enough? Got some bitches comin' over later tonight? Good, glad to hear it.
11:00 a.m. Police checked the well-being of a husky mix dog on Cottage Street.

Moooove it.
1:53 p.m. Two small cows in the middle of South East Street were moved from the road by their owner.

Lookin' for a kitty snack?
8:48 A coyote in the parking lot of Hampshire Veterinary was not located by police.

What's with the bovine confinement issues?
6:12 p.m. A cow loose on North East Street was not found by police.

Cesar Milan, Dog Whisperer and Honorary Amherst Police Department Member.
10:05 a.m. Police located a dog at Puffer's Pond barking at people in an aggressive manner. The owner was advised to train the dog to do less barking and not let it run loose.


Dumbest waste of Amherst taxpayers' money yet

6:52 p.m. Police provided information to a woman who came to the police station seeking advice about subletting her apartment for the next semester.


What kind of payment arrangement with the contractor did she have, exactly?
5:50 p.m. A North Amherst woman called police with concerns that a contractor she is having work on a new house might tell her husband about the project if she doesn't pay him. The woman was advised to call back if any threats are made against her by the contractor.

The pain-in-the-ass drunk guy that nobody wants to hang out with anymore.
12:12 a.m. A man causing problems outside the downtown bars after being removed from one was sent on his way with a responsible person.


2:22 a.m. Police kept the peace at a fight involving 20 people on Philips Street.


Just needed to go to the convenience store for a cup of coffee, thanks!
6:43 a.m. A vehicle stolen from Rolling Green Drive while it was being warmed up was returned a short time later. The suspect got out of the car, ran from the scene and was not located.


The Facebook narc.
3:13 p.m. A teenage girl who came to the police station said she was concerned her classmates at the high school might think she was responsible for the recent release of Facebook pictures showing Amherst students drinking alcohol and in possession of marijuana.

Peep peep!
5:49 p.m. A man who has been going onto decks at Village Park and peering into windows was not located by police.

Have you taken your meds today, ma'am?
4:10 p.m. Police spoke to an Amherst woman concerned her neighbors might be plotting to harm her.


Ice problems (no not crystal meth kind of ice, the cold kind of ice).
7:56 a.m. Ice built up on Main Street near South Whitney street was determined to have been caused by melting snow run off and was not placed there deliberately.

7:46 a.m. A vehicle that tried to pass a school bus on Sand Hill Road at State Street went out of control and into a snowbank, police said.
The vehicle was gone when police got there.

More thrilling.
5:36 p.m. A man walking in the middle of East Hadley Road was advised to stay on the sidewalk for his own safety.

Also a thriller.
8:26 p.m. A Christmas tree abandoned in the middle of Hallock Street was removed by police.

Most thrillingest ever.
9:13 a.m. A large piece of cardboard in the middle of College Road was removed from the road.

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